I know not what to feel anymore, I know not what to think either. It is as if the world is spinny so fast that I can't move my legs to take a step.

I guess it all started when I fell in love. It came slowly, and I knew it was coming. Then without warning, it ended. The most painful ending any love could ever have. Lie, deciet, and death...

It strange sometimes, how people don't want to be judged yet they are the first in line to judge another. How teachers say they won't grade hard, but they do. Or people lie to you when they promise that they never will. You catch them, and almost immediately you think of payback.

I just want to know, why the world is like it is. And why so many are afraid of change.

    It's raining, big drops falling on the windsheild in the early morning. It is still dark outside, I can't help but notice that no one is around. The windshield wipers go back and forth clearing a place for me to see as I drive down the street.
    I'm going to see him, it is time for me to ask him; and I will not be afriad. I pull up in his driveway, as I park my car and breathe deep. I'm only sixteen years old, but I'm ready. I walk to the front door as the sun begins to rise and knock gently.
    No answer, I know he's home, I called him last night, so if something unexpected just suddenly happened, then he should be here. I knock again, only louder this time and hear his thumping footsteps.
    He came to the door, "yeah?" he asked, grumpily.
    "Father, why did you sexually abuse me as a baby?"
    "What," he said.
    I took a long deep breath, "Why did you molest me as a child?"
    "These are more damned lies that your mother told you, shit, I knew better than to let you stay with her. Now she's corrupted you. I should have taken you back when I had the chance."
    With that a turned around and walked back to the car. I left his house and his life and my memories and hate for him there. I forgave him, and that was all I needed to do. I realize this, now that I'm an adult and have children of my own. I just needed to forgive him.

     Sofftly the rain patters on the floor of the deck. I'm sitting outside, on the swinging bench and watching, waiting for him to pull up in his bright red truck. I'm soaking wet, my long hair is drenched and hanging loosely below my shoulders.
     I see headlights of in the distance, I know it's him, who else could it be coming all the way out here. He pulls up and gets out of the car, running to the front door with a breifcase over his head. He goes inside without looking in my direction. So I follow him in, my blue jeans soaked with clear rain.
     He set's his breifcase down on the kitchen table and tkaes his jacket off placing it on the back of the chair. He turns around and sees me. "You're all wet," he comments.
     "I was on the porch," I respond quietly.
     "Doing what?"
     "Waiting."
     "For?"
     "You."
     He turned his head to the side after I said that. He gave me an odd look and then smiled. "Why were you waiting for me?"
     I shruged, and moved towards the chair running my finger along the top of it and his jacket. "I wanted to."
     He grinned and tilted my chin up with his forefinger, kissing me lightly on the lips, "I love you," he says. Then my dream fades into darkness.

It fills my heart so with pain, to know unkindness, but to give it, pains me even more. I'm sorry to all you who are out there and all of you that I have hurt. I know most of you will not read this, but I want it out there.

I'm sorry.

God,

Hear my prayer.
I try to speak the truth,
All the things that some don't dare
To speak, I do.
No one will care,
They never listen
They never share
All they see is my expression.
Pained beyond all reasoning
They'll never learn the lesson
Though it's being taught
They'll only think I'm messin'
Around with they're thought.

They made me cry tonight God, they made me want to die. My life is in my words, and if I cannot use them then I cannot not speak.